My book, But since coming
Into it, I’d be damned if you
Weren’t on every page, In
Every sentence, Until the very
Idk I just want to find someone who is proud as fuck to be with me.
Ive been thinking about you a lot lately. Thinking about the past, what you put me through, what I put you through, the person I was. And yes, it has been making me feel thankful. Thankful for him and everything he is. He’s my man, and I couldn’t ask for someone more perfect for me. But the thing is, my past with you affects me and him. And that makes me hate you more than I already did. Because he is a wonderful man, and he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve me asking him all the time if he still loves me. That’s annoying. No one wants to answer a question like that over & over. Because he gives me no real reason to believe he doesn’t. But ive become programmed to prepare myself for that. The smallest, dumbest things send me over the edge. Things that other people wouldn’t even think twice about. He didn’t tell me he loved me in a few hours, he’s not trying to hold my hand, he’s not really talking to me, he doesn’t try to have sex with me every single time we’re within 5 feet of each other. But guess what? These are actually pretty normal things. He doesnt have to tell me he loves me all the time because at this point, i should know that. We live together in a wonderful house, we dont really fight, we have kittys and a dog, and we truly appreciate each others company. More importantly, our relationship does not rely on sex. We don’t have to have sex for him to love me. He would love me just the same without it. And here’s the kicker: if I were to ever say no (which btw I don’t. Probably because I know as a 100% fact hes not using me like a piece of meat…something i could never say about you in the whole 6 years we were together) he would stop. And respect that. But because I was with you for so long, and I learned that if I got any of this from you, I would be dropped within a matter of days. And when I say dropped, I mean it. No explanation, no compassion. Just all of a sudden you wouldn’t be in my life anymore. Do you know what that does to someone? Destroys them. Tears them apart. I never want to experience anything like that again. But I just have to keep telling myself I never will. Because compared to him you are nothing. You’re an immature asshole who seriously needs help. I don’t think its possible for you to love anyone. I would say anyone but yourself, but I don’t even think that’s true. You put yourself above everyone, but you certainly don’t love yourself. And to be honest I don’t blame you. I know that’s cruel but I only know half of what you’ve done and I cant love you. You walk around everyday knowing every shitty thing you’ve ever done to people. You live with that, and I don’t know how. You’ve destroyed every single person who has gotten close enough to love you. And the thing is I’m not even talking about me at this point. Because I don’t think I ever loved you. I was young and obsessed with having someone obsessed with me. Because I was damaged before that. I turned into a masochist. My mind became warped to think that it was love, when it was the farthest thing from it. I’m glad I know what love is now. But I’m not happy about the years and lessons I had to learn to get here. I’m not happy that our fake damaged and toxic relations still affect me. It took months for me to even open up to him, I was so scared. That’s such precious time wasted. I’m not happy that I hurt so many people in my life because of you. Someone who treated me like such shit for so long, and made me believe that love was awful. I’m so thankful to have had someone come into my life to show me that’s wrong. Love is a wonderful, pure, lovely, mindblowing, true, and heavenly thing. Something that someone like you does not deserve. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing you’ve done these things to other people, and will most likely continue til you die. I used to say in past posts that I wish you well in life. But after acouple days of going down memory lane and really thinking about things, I realized that I honestly don’t. Because you will never be happy with anyone. You will never stop doing these things. And other innocent people do not deserve it. They do not deserve to be so wounded that 2 years later, they still cant stop blaming you for things. Its not fair. Nothing that comes from you is fair. I hope one day you stop. I hope one day some bit of compassion comes into you. And makes you realize what you’re doing to innocent people is wrong. Maybe you’ll get help, and maybe you’ll do better. But I would never put any bit of money or hope on it. The strongest hope I have is that someday someone gives you a taste of your own medicine. But even then, I doubt you would feel it.
Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I put you on some kind of pedestal. But if I do, I wish you would understand that ive been treated poorly for too long. And I never want to deal with that again.
That’s the thing though, you don’t treat me poorly. If the things I complain about are the worst things then I guess I actually have a lot to be thankful for. And that mini trip down memory lane I just took really reminded me of that. The people in my life before you were awful, and I’m thankful I survived. Though I have a few scars of my own.
You’ve already proved to be the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole entire life. You proved that in no time.
So I’m sorry for expecting so much. You’re human, not superman. You can’t take care of me or fix me. Its up to me to do both of those things.
I promise to love you:
at 6 am when you’re waking
to go to work, to school, or whatever
road life takes you on;
and when you didn’t sleep well,
your hair is a mess
and your eyes are sleepy.
at 8 am when we say goodbye
for the day and you’re rushing
out the door with a cup
of black coffee, after finishing
a morning cigarette
when your lips taste like
caffeine and nicotine.
at 3 pm when you’re exhausted
from the day and people have
worn you out and you feel like
sighing, crying, and falling asleep
and escaping in afternoon dreams.
I will kiss your forehead,
and wrap myself in your arms.
at 10 pm when you’re heading to bed,
even though you won’t sleep for hours
and you’ll flip through all the channels
tired of dismal newscasts and re-runs.
Especially when we become a human knot
wrapped up in sheets and kisses
at 3 am when loneliness and sadness
do not destroy you, but consume you
and when you weep without an explanation
I’ll kiss your lips, softly and
tell you you’re the absolute best.
When we talk about life
and why winter kills the flowers.
I will love you when you grow old,
I will love you even after that
I will love you if I’m no longer here
I will love you
I will love you
and I will love you.